Sunday, November 29, 2009

How to Clean the Garage


Cripes you guys. Here is another Sunday come and gone while most of you sat on your big fat La-Z-Boy® watching NFL Football and eating potato chips. I’m not sayin’ there’s anything wrong with that. I’m just sayin’ sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and get something done around here, ferchrissake. And I have. I have cleaned my garage.

Cleaning the garage is neither an easy task, nor is it a pleasant one. It is not for the faint of heart. Dirty garages are gross: spider webs, spider eggs, those dead orange beetles all over the place, a good variety of other lifeless insects, a few live insects, and a fair amount of formerly live bait. While I consider myself a feminist, I am not wrong to say that cleaning the garage is mostly a man’s job. It’s not that a woman can’t do it as well or probably better than a man. It’s just that she probably won’t.

If you have owned your home for thirty years I won’t be able to help you. You have, by now, developed your own garage-cleaning system and are too old and stubborn to change your ways. You’re either a guy whose garage is always meticulously ordered (anal retentive), always a filthy mess (good-for-nothing slob), or somewhere in between these two conditions but heading in the filthy mess direction (regular guy). These helpful hints are directed to younger men who may be newer homeowners and not yet in foreclosure.

First, it is important to note that cleaning the garage is not an undertaking to be dealt with in increments. It’s going to take all day so you must go all in or stay out. Cleaning half today and the rest later simply doesn’t work. It’s not unlike changing the oil in your car. You don’t drain the oil one Saturday and add the new oil next Saturday. If you just do half the job you are wasting your time and asking for trouble.

Timing is everything. So when you think you are ready to clean your garage the first thing you should day is wait. I don’t mean wait until noon to start. And I don’t mean wait until tomorrow. I mean wait at least a month. If you have cleaned your garage in the past four months, it’s not time yet. Ideally, you don’t want to do this more than twice a year, about as often as you get your teeth cleaned at the dentist is about right.

Now that you understand the importance of waiting, you must also wait for a nice day. You can’t clean a garage when it’s raining or snowing. Extremely windy days won’t do. Hot and cold days are also out. When you get just the right day you’ll know it. If it’s a day nice enough to go fishing then it’s nice enough to clean your garage. Of course, if it’s a nice enough day to go fishing I’d say go fishing. You don’t want to get carried away with this thing. It’s only a garage. You can always close the door. Well, if you’ve waited the proper length of time maybe you can’t close the door. I’m just sayin’. If it comes down to fishing or garage cleaning, it’s a no-brainer.

Now let’s talk about the tools you’ll need to do a good job. Nothing fancy or expensive is required but you don’t want to cut corners on cleaning equipment either. Get yourself a good broom, a dustpan, a Shop-Vac®, some clean rags, a few empty coffee cans, and some of those five-gallon plastic pails. You probably already have all of these things. They’re in your garage somewhere. I think you can see where this is going.

Okay, let’s begin. Remove your car(s) from the driveway. You’re going to need the space for spillover when you open the door. When I first started cleaning my garage I used to start by taking everything out and putting it in the driveway. This is a big mistake. Trust me; if you do this you will never get done. If you take everything apart you have to put it all back together. There will be parts left over and you won’t know where they go. Then you’ll be looking for an 800 number for a garage cleaning emergency help line and there isn’t one.

Start with the workbench. Take everything off it and put it in the plastic pails. Sweep off the bench with a hand broom and put everything back where it belongs. There will be a lot of things you won’t recognize and you won’t know what to do with them. If you throw them away you will need them later. If you keep them you’ll never use them. You’ll just move them every time you clean the garage. There is no getting around this. Here’s what I do. Put all these things into a plastic bucket and store them under the workbench. Any items that you haven’t used by the next time you clean the garage should be thrown away during the subsequent cleaning. Don’t save them for the rummage sale. You’re not going to have one. Never throw away the plastic pail. You will need it for the new things you don’t recognize on your workbench.

Now we can deal with the big items. If it’s fall put all the summer stuff in the basement. If it’s spring put all the winter stuff in the basement. Don’t bring anything up from the basement to put into the garage regardless of the season. That defeats your purpose. That stuff will make its way up on its own over time.

Next take all the stuff out of one corner, clean the corner, and put the stuff back in the corner. If there is anything you don’t recognize, leave it in the middle. Repeat this process for each corner. Now you have four clean corners and a pile of crap in the middle. Go through this pile and separate the stuff you’ll never need from the stuff you might need. Now you have four clean corners and two piles of crap. Throw away both piles and sweep the middle of the floor.

Now you can park your car(s) in the garage. You’ll probably want to leave the door open so your neighbors can see what a neat person you are. Maybe you should go ahead and close the door. They might think you're anal retentive.

Coming soon: How to Clean the Basement