Washington's Birthday

People call it Presidents Day or President's Day or Presidents' Day. Congress is trying to reach a bi-partisan compromise on the apostrophe. Our friends at the post office were somehow able to cause the holiday to fall on the third Monday of every February. Now it only rarely occurs on the actual birthday of one of the great Americans it is supposed to honor. Officially, the holiday is still called Washington's Birthday and is mostly known for paint sales at Hardware Hank's.

Since I am the only guy in my neighborhood who has the day off I thought I would do some research so that when you get home from the salt mine tonight you can regale your family with a few fun facts concerning some of our favorite presidents as you sit down to another supper of oatmeal helper.

George Washington is known as "The Father of His Country." He had wooden teeth that he crafted from a cherry tree he felled as a young boy. His dentures would have been much more attractive had he removed the bark. Self-conscious of his smile, he never posed for photographers.

Thomas Jefferson was a redhead who married a widow, Martha Wayles Skelton in 1772 but preferred sleeping with his slaves. The beloved comedian, Red Skelton, is his bastard great-great-grandchild.

Andrew Jackson spent much of his time working on improvements to Washington's dental experiments. For this he became known as "Old Hickory." He was the first president to champion the cause of the common man. His wife Rachel smoked a pipe. He killed a lot of guys.

Martin Van Buren was known as "The Little Magician." He had enormous sideburns in which he was able to conceal silk kerchiefs, bouquets of colorful flowers, rabbits, doves, and shiny coins.

James K. Polk was the first openly gay president and the inventor of the polka dot.

Millard Fillmore (pictured), our thirteenth president, was the only man with double consonants in both his names to hold the highest office in the land. He looked exactly like Alec Baldwin.

Abraham Lincoln wore a stovepipe hat and is considered by many historians to be our greatest president. Surprisingly, nobody ever talks about how awful his hair was. Believe me, if you saw his comb on the bathroom counter you would not want to touch it.

Ulysses S. Grant had the best first name of all the presidents. He was in the army but drank more like a sailor. Mark Twain gave him the idea to write a book after his term in office was through. He earned a lot of money on the deal and died shortly after he finished the last page. Many future presidents followed his lead but now they get an advance.

Grover Cleveland was the 22nd and 24th president but he wasn't the first two-timer in office. After his presidency he pitched for the Phillies and was elected to The Baseball Hall of Fame.

William McKinley played The Wizard of Oz opposite Judy Garland in the 1939 movie version of L. Frank Baum's classic story .

Theodore Roosevelt's mother and wife both died on the same day causing him to become a cowboy, soldier, big-game hunter, and famous author. He was such a great president that he made the first trip on Air Force One before there even was an Air Force. He wrote the hit song, "Woolly-Bully."

William Howard Taft was huge, almost as big as Al Gore.

If Woodrow Wilson had had the right middle name he could have invented the Internet.

Herbert Hoover went to Stanford. His ACT scores were out of this world. He became a great engineer and invented the vacuum cleaner. As president he really sucked.

Franklin D. Roosevelt was elected president four times. He drank cocktails with Churchill who was named after a cigarette but preferred cigars. FDR could never get them into that narrow holder so he stuck with the coffin nails. That's about all I know about Roosevelt except that Rush Limbaugh didn't like him much.

Harry S. Truman was president when I was born. He was a haberdasher. That means he gave a lot of people hell.

John F. Kennedy was a war hero and also our first Catholic president. He was married to Jackie O. and slept with Marilyn Monroe. Somebody should have told him when they say nun they mean none!

Lyndon B. Johnson became president after he hired some mafia guys, space aliens, union big shots, Lady Bird and two nuns to kill Kennedy. He was mostly known for his big ears and a propensity to reveal surgical scars whenever someone came near him with a camera.

Richard Nixon was one of the worst presidents ever but it didn't matter much. We were doing so many drugs while he was in office we didn't pay any attention to him until the very end. That was some party.

Gerald Ford was the first president with his own weekly live comedy show on NBC. Him and Belushi were so wild it drove his wife to drink.

Jimmy Carter was a really nice guy. He committed adultery in his heart. That's not so bad.

Ronald Reagan was a movie star before he was president but the movies weren't very good. He was pretty old when he got elected. Early on during his tenure he was shot just below the nipple by John Hinckley. Fortunately the bullet was deflected by his belt buckle.

George H. W. Bush threw up on the emporor of Japan. He was voted out of office when it was discovered that he was married to the guy on the Quaker Oats box.

William Jefferson Clinton was the first president to smoke pot. The first time he came in The Oval Office the Marine Corps Band struck up a rousing version of "Inhale to the Chief." The next time, he got himself impeached. He is also known as "Slick Willy" or "Stimulus Bill."

Al Gore* was president for the shortest time.

George Bush brought honor and dignity back to The White House and huge ratings to late-night comedy shows.

Of all the presidents we've ever had Barack Obama is the most recent.